Intern Wanted: No Experience Necessary

On this last day of summer, I thought this re-post from last summer would make all my mommy readers laugh a little. . .

Intern Wanted to assist in all domestic and child rearing responsibilities.

• Duties include changing poopy and wet diapers, cleaning of Diaper Genie, wiping runny noses and seepy eyes.  Administering all medication as need with occasional mild force.(See below)

• Ability to effectively manage and punish unruly children is a requirement, although no use of excessive force is permitted by State and Federal Laws. One must master such infective forms of control such as "Time Out" and sayings such as "it hurts my feelings when you throw large plastic trucks and Barbie's at my head."

• Children will  nap at appropriate times. Your time will be spent scrubbing showers with Tilex. (There is no conclusive evidence that there is permanent respiratory damage). Please limit exposure to no more than 20 minutes at a time. Just in Case.

• Daily vacuuming,  dusting, collecting of toys from small vents and uneven surfaces, dishes, and windexing of handprints and jelly smudges is a must.

• You will run 3 to 5 loads of laundry a day. You will fold 6.

• Intern will be expected to remain in the kitchen at all times. Healthy and nutritious meals must be provided at least three to five times a day.  Snack's must be readily available all day. You may not help yourself to the food. Should this happen,  you will gain an unfair amount of weight that you will not be able to lose for several years. This is discouraged by Blue Cross Blue Shield.

• There is limited exposure to the all forms of media other than the internet. Please limit yourself to no more than 10, 2 minute sessions. Television is to be left on Nick Jr.

• Please do not expect any reassurance or positive feedback. Once you prove yourself, in 18 or 20 years, you will be appreciated.

• You will work 20 hour days for unknown amounts of time. Vacations are only deemed necessary before emotional breakdowns.

• Finally, This is an unpaid position.

Sincerely,

Taylor C. Presson

Sheriff around these parts.

Interested Partys should contact www.sweethomecharlotte.net

I saw an ad for a Cool Design Intern this morning and thought I needed one as well. . .  GENIUS!!!

Charlotte Smarty Pants liked my blog so much that they posted it on their site. Check it out at:

http://www.charlottesmartypants.com/2011/09/intern-wanted/

Many, Many, Hats!

In my past life, when I was  (and I use this term loosely) a head hunter, we used to over use the term "many hats."  The "position will require that the candidate wear many hats" was used on almost every client call, job description and candidate interview that I worked on.  By this, it is implied that the person "will report to Accounting, Legal, Marketing, Customer Service and Janitorial."  And while it is generally understood that all of "Corporate America" must indeed be multi-talented monkeys, let me enlighten you to just some of "the hats" of mommy hood.

So far today I have been a:

*Stylish Mom and Put Together Lady of the House. Why yes, my shower demand was granted at 6:15am! I  even put on a dress because it required almost no thought. Major Score.

*Short Order Chef. Whipped up a not so healthy diet of frozen waffles and apples by 6:45am. (Is that all the butler could remember to get at the grocery store?)

*Gourmet Caterer. Prepared two well-balanced and tasty lunches. Packaged to perfection.Started and completed sometime between 9pm last night and 7:45am.

*Laundress. Washed  one set of sheets and two loads of children's clothing. The maid must have forgotten to run the dryer and iron the sheets. Will have to do something about her or uhmmm, me. Time frame same as above.

*Chaufer.  Drove  two kids to  two different locations and a husband to a Gastroenterologist by 8:30am. Was only late once.

*Assistant Art Teacher in elementary school classroom. Sadie's teacher is a saint, those children are crazy. No wonder they get a break during specials. Reported to duty from 11:20am to 12:20pm.

*Delivery Food Driver. Brought food to husband on the couch. Almost missed my window. Delivered by 12:40pm.

*Pre-School Heroine. Ok not really, but I did get to the Weekday School on time to pick up Cooper. 1pm arrival.

*Strict Dictator of Nap-Time.  Not quite. . .  left Cooper asleep on the couch with Daddy while I changed hats or umm, clothes. Transfered to crib after the fact. Down by 1:20pm

* House Keeper Extraordinaire. Vacuumed, windexed and furniture polished entire downstairs. Ran a load of dishes from last night. Darn, I thought I started that thing. Task Completed by 1:50pm.

*Nurse Taylor. Gave husband cough drops, yelled at him to sort through a HUGE MOUND of Sports Illustrated. Sent him into his clean bedroom to sleep. I have room for improvement under this job description. Charted at 1:55pm.

*Nail Technician. One coat of gold nail polish over old manicure, almost good as new. 1:57pm.

*Administrative Assistant. Coordinated sale of Citipass books, Sadie's tennis lessons, Stella and Dot jewelry party, weekend house painting and closet installation. Still racking my brain as I am sure I am forgetting the reason I sat down at the computer. Oh yeah. . . .

*Writer, Blogger, Stylist and Creative Living Master. Insert hysterical laughing here, I am not even close. 2:45pm

Thank God the bus doesn't come for 30 more minutes and my husband and baby are still napping.

All in a 1/2 day's work girls and yet I know I am not even close to winning first prize.

Cheers,

Tay

In the Immediate Future

Sometime in February, when we were on parental cruise control, I thought it would be a GREAT idea to keep my wonderful and well-behaved children at home with me this summer. The bohemian life I always wanted, the last summer before I have to answer to CMS and it's thousands of rules and regulations; a summer straight out of a children book. You see where I am going with this, of course. . . .

Ha! This summer has kicked my butt! I mean, my kids and I have done everything there is to do around this town, and they are still B-O-R-E-D!! I am not bored, my to-do list is ridiculous! And while I have been toting my kids to and fro, my house feels like it is crumbling down on me! I have lost the little control I was able to maintain, and my summer of leisure has turned into a summer of chaos!

Tomorrow morning at 7:45, Sadie Bug goes to Kindergarten, but tonight I am dreaming of the future. The future of me that is. . .

Here is the  top 10 things I will do immediately:

10. I will clean out my attic and my closets and donate and gift what we do not need. I will call a dumpster service for the rest.

9. I will write the 1,000 thank you notes I owe everyone from summer birthdays! I am the rudest person alive and I am sorry about that.

8. I will go to the Mint Museum Uptown and actually leave the children's area.

7. I will go to Trader Joe's and Harris Teeter and purchase real food.  I will give up my pool snack bar addiction.

6.  I will call all of my friends and family and have an actual conversation with them that does not include begging and pleading for silence . The call will last longer than 2 minutes.

5. I will plan a weekday visit to our favorite live music venue The Fillmore, and I will stay up way to late.

4. I will call my tennis pro and beg him for forgiveness and plead with him that he fix my backhand.  Oh, and I will use the new, super cool, tennis racquet my mother gave me for my birthday. (*Mom, see #9!)

3.  I will start reading the newspaper again. For better or worse.

2. I will download music and create playlists that do not start with "The Wheels on the Bus!" I will listen to the music through out the day, creating a calm and happy environment for myself.

1. I will spend quality time with my man Scotty! I will have lunch with him once a week and we will NOT talk about the children! I may even make him dinner.

The above will undoubtedly make me the best, happiest, most rested, well-rounded mommy and wife in the universe!

Until next Summer!!!

Cheers,

Tay

Intern Wanted: No Experience Necessary

Intern Wanted to assist in all domestic and child rearing responsibilities.

• Duties include changing poopy and wet diapers, cleaning of Diaper Genie, wiping runny noses and seepy eyes.  Administering all medication as need with occasional mild force.(See below)

• Ability to effectively manage and punish unruly children is a requirement, although no use of excessive force is permitted by State and Federal Laws. One must master such infective forms of control such as "Time Out" and sayings such as "it hurts my feelings when you throw large plastic trucks and Barbie's at my head."

• Children will  nap at appropriate times. Your time will be spent scrubbing showers with Tilex. (There is no conclusive evidence that there is permanent respiratory damage). Please limit exposure to no more than 20 minutes at a time. Just in Case.

• Daily vacuuming,  dusting, collecting of toys from small vents and uneven surfaces, dishes, and windexing of handprints and jelly smudges is a must.

• You will run 3 to 5 loads of laundry a day. You will fold 6.

• Intern will be expected to remain in the kitchen at all times. Healthy and nutritious meals must be provided at least three to five times a day.  Snack's must be readily available all day. You may not help yourself to the food. Should this happen,  you will gain an unfair amount of weight that you will not be able to lose for several years. This is discouraged by Blue Cross Blue Shield.

• There is limited exposure to the all forms of media other than the internet. Please limit yourself to no more than 10, 2 minute sessions. Television is to be left on Nick Jr.

• Please do not expect any reassurance or positive feedback. Once you prove yourself, in 18 or 20 years, you will be appreciated.

• You will work 20 hour days for unknown amounts of time. Vacations are only deemed necessary before emotional breakdowns.

• Finally, This is an unpaid position.

Sincerely,

Taylor C. Presson

Sheriff around these parts.

Interested Partys should contact www.sweethomecharlotte.net

I saw an ad for a Cool Design Intern this morning and thought I needed one as well. . .  GENIUS!!!

Charlotte Smarty Pants liked my blog so much that they posted it on their site. Check it out at:

http://www.charlottesmartypants.com/2011/09/intern-wanted/